Me: First of all, I'd like to say that I'm a huge fan of your work on The X-Files.

DD: Thank you.

Me: So, why did you decide to wreck the entire show?

DD: Well, I don't think it's fair to say I wrecked the entire show. The X-Files was a good stepping stone, but it's time for me to move on.

Me: To do what?

DD: Movies, spend time with my family... things that The X-Files wouldn't allow me to do.

Me: So movies and your family are more important than The X-Files?

DD: Definitely.

Me: I see. And I suppose you think you'll have a movie career?

DD: I'd say I already have a movie career, which is why I agreed to do this interview. My new movie Evolution is coming out.

Me: It's about aliens, right?

DD: Yes, but it's completely-

Me: ...different from The X-Files.

DD: Yes.

Me: Have you ever heard of Jimmy Smits?

DD: Um... I think he was on NYPD Blue.

Me: He was, but then he quit a few seasons ago to pursue a movie career. Needless to say, it hasn't been going well.

DD: Why are you telling me this?

Me: Hmm? Oh, no reason. Anyway, you've been viciously attacked by the media recently. What is your response?

DD: When was I viciously attacked by the media?

Me: Well, for starters, Katie Couric called you "the most arrogant egotistical SOB" she's ever met.

DD: Katie Couric said that?

Me: Yes.

DD: Katie Couric didn't say that.

Me: I hope you're not doubting my journalistic integrity.

DD: Can we please talk about my movie?

Me: Sure. Is it worth $6.75 to see it?

DD: Yes. It's very funny.

Me: But is it $6.75 funny?

DD: Yes.

Me: Okay.

DD: Is that it? Is that all your questions?

Me: Why do you hate Gillian Anderson so much?

DD: What? I never said that. I didn't even mention Gillian.

Me: But you hate her, right?

DD: No. Our relationship is complicated.

Me: How so?

DD: We're two trees with different roots, that happened to become intertwined, but we're still separate trees.

Me: What does that mean?

DD: Look, I think this subject has been thoroughly covered to everyone's satisfaction. I'm trying to move past The X-Files and everything that goes along with it. I'd like to talk about current events, or the interview is going to end right now.

Me: Why do you call your daughter West? That's a pretty stupid name.

DD: Excuse me?

Me: You Hollywood types feel the need to torture your children with horrible names. Any thoughts on why that is?

DD: The interview is over. Go see Evolution.

Me: All right. Thanks for allowing me to interview you. As I said before, I'm a big fan.

6/5/01