Me: Hello Jennifer. We're here today to address some of your psychological issues.

JL: I thought I was here to plug my album.

Me: Yes. I lied to your agent about that. It happens.

JL: I don't know if I'm comfortable with this. I don't need a psychologist.

Me: You might not think so now, but you will. For example, you seem really concerned with your image as far as "realness" is concerned.

JL: Why would you say that?

Me: Um, because all your lyrics seem to suggest that.

JL: I am not insecure about my realness. Name me one song that makes me sound insecure about my realness.

Me: How about the song "I'm Real" you did? How did that go? "I'm real, What you get is what you see." C'mon Jennifer, you wrote a whole song about it.

JL: Fine. Name another song where I sound insecure about my realness.

Me: Okay. There's the song "Jenny From the Block." That song reeks of desperation to be perceived as real. "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got/ I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block/ Used to have a little, now I have a lot/ No matter where I go, I know where I came from."

JL: No, no, no. You're hearing it all wrong. You see, I'm making excuses for my extravagant lifestyle. It has nothing to do with being real.

Me: I wasn't finished. "I'm down to earth like this" and "Then can't forget to stay real/ To me it's like breathing."

JL: Look, I'm just a girl from the Bronx, you know? Even though my latest album recently went double platinum, my movie Maid In Manhattan is a huge success, and I'm engaged to the Sexiest Man Alive, I'm still just a simple girl from the Bronx.

Me: Do you hear yourself when you talk?

JL: I'm not hung up on fame and fortune. I'm real. Real, I tell you. Real!

Me: Okay, okay. Settle down. Jeez. I believe you. You're real.

JL: (panic subsiding) That is so sweet of you to say. My fans are so important to me. They're the most important thing in the world to me! Well, besides God. And Ben Affleck. And my family. And my new perfume. And all those rocks that I got...

Me: I hate to tell you this Jennifer, but I'm not a fan. I'm an interviewer.

JL: (blinking rapidly) What?

Me: Nothing. Let's change the subject to Ben Affleck. Tell me about your relationship.

JL: I don't like to talk about it.

Me: Fine. Let's talk about--

JL: Okay. You've got me. I'll talk about it.

Me: You don't have to if you don't want to.

JL: First of all, Ben's such a romantic. He is so super sweet to me. I have never been in love like this before, which is saying a lot because I have been married twice. They always say the third time's the charm. That is certainly the case here. Ben and I are going to last a lifetime.

Me: Are you telling me that you're plotting to kill Ben in his sleep? I think that's probably the only way your relationship is going to last a lifetime.

JL: We did this movie together, Gigli, and the ending was so sad because Ben's character dies. When I watched it, I just started crying uncontrollably. I said, "We need to change this ending." I did a lot of begging and pleading, but I finally got a reshoot. It was such a relief. I never want Ben to die, even on screen.

Me: So... you're not going to kill him in his sleep?

JL: You know how sometimes you just feel like something was meant to be? That's how I feel about my relationship with Ben.

Me: I've given this a lot of thought in the past twenty seconds, and I have a very serious question for you.

JL: (looking expectant)

Me: All right. Fine. May I please ask you a question, your Realness?

JL: Sure. Anything for my biggest fan.

Me: Could you hook me up with Matt Damon? He's Ben's best friend, so you have to know his number. I would ask you to hook me up with Ben too, but I guess I'll have to wait until you guys divorce.

JL: Oh, trust me, we're not getting a divorce any time soon. We have to get married first, silly. As far as Matt goes, I'll have to talk to Ben. Matt and I are not that close.

Me: So the rumors about Matt disapproving of your engagement are true?

JL: (nervous laughter) I didn't say that.

Me: Okay. We're almost running out of time here, but I have a special guest here to talk to you via satellite.

JL: Oh, how fun! Who is it?

Me: Your best friend from first grade: Grace Williams.

JL: That wasn't her name. I don't know anyone by that name.

GW: Hi Jen! It's been so long.

Me: Do you know why I invited Grace here today, Jennifer?

JL: I have no idea why you invited a stranger to pose as my childhood friend, no.

Me: I wanted to lend you a helping hand in your quest for realness. Grace here is from the Bronx too. She's going to tell America about how you haven't changed.

GW: Actually, I can't do that. You see... Jennifer has changed.

JL: That's not true. You're obviously fooled by the rocks that I got. Plus we've never met, so how do you know?

GW: When I knew Jennifer, she thought boys had cooties. We both agreed that they were disgusting and immature. And now look at her! She's getting married to one.

JL: This is really ridiculous.

GW: Also, we both really enjoyed having sleepovers and playing board games. Now that she's all big and famous, she doesn't have time for me anymore.

Me: Jennifer, I'm appalled. You're not real at all.

JL: I'm telling you. I've never met this woman. Besides, what kind of people in their thirties have sleepovers and play board games?

Me: Hmm. You may have a point, but are you sure you've never met this woman?

JL: I'm positive.

Me: Why would she lie to me like that? I told her I was interviewing you while I stood in line for popcorn, and she told me that you were childhood friends. She even knew that your middle name was Monique.

JL: My middle name isn't Monique. It's Lynn.

Me: Grace, how could you?

GW: I'm sorry. I just wanted to meet Jennifer.

JL: Well, that's understandable.

Me: I think we've all learned a lesson here today.

JL: Oh my gosh. I'm late for my hair appointment.

Me: I feel like we've really bonded and shared our souls today. You know what I like to do after I share my soul? Go on a date with Matt Damon. (Jennifer runs out) Jen! Wait! Come back! Dammit.

GW: I still want to talk. I have more of my soul to share.

Me: Well, you don't know Matt Damon, now do you?

GW: Actually, we went to acting camp together in seventh grade.

Me: Really? Fascinating. Let's go talk about him over coffee.

1/14/03

Thanks to Becca for choosing the random name Grace Williams.