Me: Well, you've had a big summer. Legally Blonde was a hit and now you're on the cover of Teen and Entertainment Weekly.

RW: Yes! It's been amazing.

Me: I read the article in Teen last night. It sent me into a panic because the interviewer asked you all the same questions I was going to ask you. I had to rewrite the whole thing.

RW: Really? No way!

Me: Yes. I always ask people if they shop on-line. It's like, my trademark question. And there it was in print on the pages of Teen.

RW: Well, just so you know, I do shop on-line.

Me: Really? I never do. I like to hear stories about it from others though. They're interesting, don't you think?

RW: I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that they enjoyed listening to stories about other people shopping on-line.

Me: Well not regular people. Just famous people like yourself. I just can't picture you surfing the net for clothes and ordering them. I really can't.

RW: Well, believe it! It's great because I don't have to leave the house. I still like going to Old Navy and the Gap and places like that! I'm a total Gap girl!

Me: You know, I'm starting to see your point about these stories not being interesting. I'm very bored, so I'm going to start asking questions now.

RW: Um... okay.

Me: Your real name is Laurajeanne Reese Witherspoon.

RW: Yes it is.

Me: Yes it is.

RW: I'm from the South.

Me: Oh. Sorry. Anyway, I saw you on Regis when Jon Stewart was co-hosting. I'm in love with him. We're getting married.

RW: I though he was already married.

Me: He is.

RW: Oh.

Me: You're married as well. To Ryan Phillippe.

RW: Yes. Ryan's incredible. I just love him so much.

Me: He's beautiful. Like perfect in every way. And he's chosen to bestow his godlike love upon you. How does that feel?

RW: Well, we love each other, but I don't worship him. I feel like his equal.

Me: You've seen Ryan Phillippe naked.

RW: <giggling> Yes, many times.

Me: You could go home and say 'Ryan Phillippe, get naked.' and he would.

RW: I suppose so, but I wouldn't use his last name or anything.

Me: You suppose so? You don't say it all the time?

RW: No. I come home and we talk and play with our daughter Ava.

Me: That just seems like such a wasted opportunity when you could be seeing Ryan Phillippe naked.

RW: Not at all! I love it. I love having family time. It's wonderful.

Me: If you say so. Anyway, let's talk about you meeting Jon Stewart, my fiance, on Regis. I wasn't counting or anything, but you hugged twice and kissed each other on the cheek. Was Ryan jealous?

RW: Oh, no. Ryan wasn't jealous. The hugging and kissing is kind of customary on a talk show. It's just being friendly.

Me: I wasn't jealous either. It never crossed my mind that not only are you married to a sun god, you had to kiss MY Jon Stewart.

RW: Well, uhh... good. You have no reason to be jealous. Believe me when I say that I'm not having an affair with Jon Stewart.

Me: So now Jon's not good enough for you?

RW: I didn't say that. I'm happily married, that's all.

Me: I'm out of questions. You have any?

RW: You could ask me about Legally Blonde. Something about the plot perhaps.

Me: Blonde girl goes to Harvard Law because boyfriend dumped her. She proves her intelligence. Girl power. Blah.

RW: Well, I think it's a little better than that. There's a terrific message about not believing in stereotypes.

Me: Like the stereotype that says blonde girls always try to steal your fiance even when they already have a sexy sexy husband?

RW: Look, I'm seriously not trying to steal Jon from you. Or his wife.

Me: Well, thanks for joining me.

RW: You're welcome.

Me: If your husband wants to be interviewed, tell him to give me a call. We could set it up in a hotel room or something...

8/12/01